“ The world is so much bigger than your brain, stop living inside your head. ”
have u ever had a depersonalization moment when you look at yourself in the mirror and think wow this person is me and i have this body and this life and everything feels so strange why am i me and not someone else
Here’s me, standing around in my underwear in my parents washroom. This is where I keep a laptop and a TV so I can work in peace with nobody bothering me. I even threw an old mattress on the floor to sleep on when I don’t feel like going back to the house proper. I’m just trashy like that.
I have a point. Bear with me here.
I am not an attractive man. Now, in better lighting, with makeup and an hour or two in photoshop and some actual clothes on, I can be quite dashing. But this is under a bare bulb, untouched, unedited, and just me. For decencies sake I’m wearing my shapeless briefs, but, honestly, they could leave more to the imagination.
Now here’s the thing. I’m fat. People like to remind me, in case I’ve forgotten. I know I’m fat. People my height are typically about sixty pounds lighter than I am, and that’s still not exactly svelte. I’m not claiming to be sexy or attractive, or even pleasant to look at.
And some days, that’s fine. By and large, I don’t actually care what people think about me - kind of like how I don’t care what I think about people. It’s that pleasant little social disconnect that I’ve been experiencing my whole life. Anybody who could refuse to associate with me based on my looks, doesn’t deserve to associate with me at all.
But some days, I’m not happy. When my knees pop because I stood up too fast, or when my ankles hurt just from walking. When women look at me and their lips curl up, or when my clothes don’t fit and I can feel the tee-shirts hugging my stomach.
Some days, I don’t care if I lose weight, and some days I really, really do. Some days I look in the mirror and I think, “Yeah. Alright.” Some days I just shake my head.
But here’s the thing; I’m never ashamed. I’m never embarrassed to look like this. I don’t feel that self-loathing I’ve heard described a thousand times by people who look a lot like me. I’m not disgusted by my body - I’m sorry if you are. I’m sorry if you can’t picture being with someone who looks like this, sorry if the sight of me makes your genitals shrivel and dry up.
I wouldn’t say I’m happy with my body. But I’m not ashamed of it either. And that’s basically all i wanted to say.